


How (not) to fall in love

by Marstiny



Series: Five things you shouldn't [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Actually everyone is gonna help him, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Hongjoong's notebook, Love Confessions, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rated teen for mild swearing, Someone save San, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, woosang if you squint your eyes very hard, yunho best boy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marstiny/pseuds/Marstiny
Summary: If someone had said to San that Seonghwa was going to confess his undying love to him only to reject him right afterwards he... He didn't have a clue how he'd react to that.He still doesn't know what to do.Or five times San's bandmates tried to help him discern his feelings and one time someone is actually successful.
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Series: Five things you shouldn't [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905742
Comments: 46
Kudos: 130





	1. Intro: Be aware

**Author's Note:**

> Hello vertigo my old friend  
> Please don't come ever again~
> 
> I've been dizzy all week and I'm indulging myself writing this now. I hope you'll like it!
> 
> Kindly reminder that this is the second part of a series. Please, check out the first part called "How (not) to confess", where Seonghwa tries to confess six times in two years and San just doesn't get it. Enjoy!

“You.”

Seonghwa smiled brightly at San, booping his nose. And San didn’t know what to say to that.  
Did Seonghwa just confess to him? Was he joking?

“You don’t…” San blinked trying to dismiss it, but Seonghwa… he was serious, even with that smile in his face. “You’re not joking.”

San could hear his own heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears. The realisation left him with a buzzing feeling under his skin. Seonghwa loved him, right? Seonghwa loved him!  
And Seonghwa was patting his leg as his smile turned glum.

That was the moment when the thrill in San was crushed into a myriad of pieces, like a mirror breaking.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to worry.” Seonghwa assured. “I know you don’t see me that way. I’m happy just being around you.”

Seonghwa didn’t look happy at all. Not in that moment, at least. 

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” he said. “It will go away soon, you’ll see.”

“I… I don’t understand.” San mumbled with his eyes wide open. “You love me.”

Seonghwa was not looking at San, he just nodded while nibbling on his lower lip.

“Do you… you don’t want to love me?” asked San. His chest hurt, fast and sharp.

Seonghwa just shrugged and looked at the mattress above them. He grunted and bit his lips, blinking rapidly. “No, San. I… this is highly inappropriate. We’re teammates, you’re not even into guys.” Seonghwa rubbed his eyes, grimacing. “I shouldn't have said anything, this is stupid.”

“Wait, what? Why?” San was struggling to keep his emotions in check, he was just too confused. “I don’t follow. Do you love me or not?”

“I do!” Seonghwa whisper-shouted, finally turning his head to San once again. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, I love you too.” San was quick to say and Seonghwa just shook his head vehemently, putting his hands on San’s shoulders.

“Not the same way. I want to kiss you and hold your hand, San. I want to go on dates with you, just the two of us. I want us to be boyfriends.” Seonghwa spoke softly, slowly moving his hands to San’s elbows and letting him go. “That’s my kind of love.”

San was at a loss for words. He felt warm and chilled at the same time. He was happy but somehow sad. He wanted to hold Seonghwa in his arms, but he didn’t know what he was allowed to do anymore.  
So he tried again to clear up the situation.

“So you love me and want to date me.” San started.

“Not anymore. You don’t have to worry about that.”

The air was charged with tension and Seonghwa was avoiding his eyes again. It was too much. He couldn’t stand to watch Seonghwa so sad, knowing that somehow it was his fault. He needed to do something. So something he did.

San pressed a hand over his heart, pouting.

“Ouch. Hyung, am I not cute anymore? Is that it?”

Seonghwa looked him in the eye, unimpressed.

“Shut up, you’re the cutest.” The tension in Seonghwa’s shoulders eased a little and San smiled, showing his dimples. “Are you grossed out?” asked Seonghwa, biting his lower lip again.

“No, no! You surprised me, that’s all.” replied San, watching how Seonghwa was now pinching his lip. San grabbed Seonghwa’s wrist, pulling his hand away. “You should stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

A pink blush started blooming in Seonghwa’s face, but he just nodded with a slight smile. San let go of his wrist and punched his shoulder lightly, making that smile grow wider.  
San hadn’t stopped looking at Seonghwa’s chapped lips. He remembered something and started looking in his pockets.

“Oh, I have this… lip balm. Here, use it.” San said, opening his hand to hand over the tube, but Seonghwa puckered his lips.

Three seconds passed and San was still looking at those full lips. He applied the lip balm carefully, his hand was steadier than he himself felt.

“There. Please, take care of yourself, Seonghwa.”

“No honorific?” asked Seonghwa after rubbing his lips.

“Not for our Ddeonghwa!” San bumped shoulders with Seonghwa, prompting a genuine laugh out of him.

“So, friends?” said Seonghwa, offering his open hand to San.

San took the hand, squeezing hard.

“Friends.”

Never in his life had that word made San feel more insecure.

* * *

The sky was dark, but the light from the streetlamps crept in through the curtains. It was late and the dorm was finally quiet. Even though the sound of traffic carried up to the bedrooms the night was peaceful.  
Not for San.

He tossed and turned around in bed, unable to find a good position to rest. But the problem was in his mind. San sighed audibly and hugged one of his plushies trying to understand just what happened a few hours ago.

Seonghwa had told him he was in love with him. He had also said he didn’t want to change their relationship. That wasn’t the problem, no.  
The problem was how that made him feel. Why in the world was he feeling hurt?

San pushed the plushie aside and started drumming his fingers on his stomach.

Was it his pride? Having someone confess to you and then reject you in less than five minutes was a reason to feel hurt, right? And San still had some insecurity issues. Not as bad as two years prior, sure, but still...  
San rolled over, again.

Or was it something else?

“Yunho.” San called. “Yunho-ya!”

The answer came one minute later, when San was almost jumping in his bed, shaking the bunk frame.

“Wha- San?” Yunho patted his bed, searching for his cellphone to look at the time. “It’s too early, go back to sleep.”

“If only…” San mumbled, knowing he was going to get no sleep that night. “Hey, Yunho.”

“What d’you want?” Yunho’s voice was muffled and he sounded sleepy.

“When you like someone, how do you know? How does it feel?” tried San, because that was a possibility he needed to think about.

Yunho blinked, his body was tired and his brain too fuzzy to really understand what was going on.

“I don’t know, Sannie. Just want to wag my tail at them.”

San snorted. “As expected of our best boy Yunho.”

“Yeah, whatever. Go to sleep.” Yunho sighed and two seconds later his breath was deep and even. Yunho opened his eyes again. “Light is out, what d’you want.”

San laughed a little and made his way out of bed and onto the floor.

“It’s nothing, Yunho. Sleep.” San ruffled his hair and tugged him in.

He sneaked out to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, staring inside for far too long. San grabbed something to drink and plopped on the sofa. He stayed in the dark, drinking from time to time, thinking about the mess inside his heart.  
When he tried to pull at one feeling it came out tangled with another. He’d never been in love before. He had never thought about Seonghwa or anyone that way. And he was not, allegedly, into guys.

But he was afraid to lose Seonghwa… The pain was too obvious to ignore. He needed time to process and with the promotion for Inception almost done, maybe he’ll find some.  
Or so he hoped.


	2. Spend time together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone notice San sending a heart to Seonghwa on the last [Thanxx stage](https://youtu.be/3s_wD8wlo3E?t=150)? Because it was the cutest thing ever ;w;  
> Also, thank you all for the support! I really appreciate it! You made my week happier with the comments, kudos, etc. Thank you!

Hongjoong wasn’t exactly an early bird, but he had lost a fair game of rock-paper-scissors last night and there he was… the first one to get up. Or so he thought.  
He turned on the light with his eyes still half closed, almost having a heart-attack when a head turned to look at him. He was not expecting to find someone else in the living room.

“San-ah! The fuck are you doing sitting there in the dark?” asked Hongjoong, rubbing his temple. And San, the nerve of him, chuckled.

“Nothing, really.” he shrugged, shaking the empty plastic bottle in his hand. “Just thinking.”

Hongjoong yawned, dragging his feet to the kitchen and San followed suit.

“What were you thinking at this unholy hour? Did you sleep at all?” asked Hongjoong, opening the refrigerator.

“Not… really.” Considering the look in Hongjoong’s face, maybe being honest wasn’t the best idea after all.

“Sannie! We have a stage today, do you remember? I don’t want you to have another accident. Not you, not anyone.” ranted Hongjoong, grabbing some water to drink before making breakfast.

“I know, I just...” San shrugged, looking at his hands without knowing what to do with them. “I have all these feelings inside and I don’t know what they mean, hyung.” San’s right hand went to his own neck, scratching a nonexistent itch. “Maybe I’m just overthinking, I’m sorry for not taking good care of myself.”

When San looked at Hongjoong, he was staring back. His eyes were focused and his gaze intense.

“What is it?” asked Hongjoong with the softest and caring voice he could muster.

The kitchen was silent for a moment and the clock in the living room ticked away, counting the seconds that took San to decide if he wanted to tell his leader or not.  
Oh, hell. That young man would kill for him if the need ever arose.

“Someone hurt me and…”

“Who?” And there was the killing intent.

“Ah, no, no. Someone hurt my feelings.” San tried to appease Hongjoong, smiling slightly.

Hongjoong put a hand on the table, sighing.

“Do we need to have another intervention before breakfast?”

“Not at all! I mean, this person told me that they don’t want to date me and I’m not sure why that hurt so much!” explained San. “It might be just my pride or… maybe I’m in love? I don’t know. I’ve never been in love, I’m confused.”

“Wait, what?” Hongjoong looked as puzzled as San felt. “What the fuck?”

“Hyung, you’re cursing.”

“It’s too early and you’re maybe in love with someone that rejected you. I can curse all I want.” And on a second thought he added: “Is it Wooyoung?”

San opened and closed his mouth trying not to laugh.

“No! Wh- you know what? I was gonna ask you why, but I can see your point.” Hongjoong crossed his arms, raising a brow. San clapped his hands just once. “So, hyung. How do you know if you’re in love?”

“I don’t know… I have never been in love myself.” But Hongjoong patted San’s shoulder with a musing frown, the gears in his mind clearly turning. “I think I have something… just, give me a moment. I’ll be back!”

And he almost ran over Yunho who had just got up.

“What was that for?” asked Yunho, sitting in a chair near San. “Morning.”

San ruffled Yunho’s hair and told him how pretty he was before starting to make breakfast. Two minutes later, Hongjoong smacked him in the arm with a notebook.

“Here, those are my notes for Inception.” explained Hongjoong, taking over the breakfast. “You don’t have to thank me, but go wake up someone who actually knows how to cook.”

“I can help.” grunted Yunho, with his cheek smushed on the table.

“Yes, dear, of course you can.” Hongjoong’s voice was all silk and honey but he pushed at San until he shooed him out.

San laughed brightly, making his way to Wooyoung’s room with the notebook in one hand. What did Inception’s notes have to do with him being or not in love? San was curious so he opened the notebook on his way to the bedroom.

“What is this?” The pages were stuffed with sticky notes, doodlings and highlighted phrases everywhere. “Inception, inception…”

San looked for the right notes and found them four seconds later.

“Signs that you're falling in love.” read San outloud and turned the page. “Thirteen scientifically proven signs that you're in love… How to fall in love.”

The notes seemed to be taken from a bunch of articles of dubious reputation. Hongjoong had condensed (reduced? summarized?) the information in five pages, trying to understand exactly what a person goes through when they fall in love. And that was exactly what San was searching for! Maybe there was something redeemable there.

“Sweet.”

He tried the first page and his eyes went straight to the phrase highlighted in vibrant violet.

“You give them your full attention… easy to stay in conversation, keep eye contact.”

San stopped abruptly in his tracks and blinked at the words. Well, talking to Seonghwa was easy enough and San would be lying if he said he didn’t look Seonghwa directly in the eye more than what was necessary.  
But giving him his full attention? Maybe once or twice… Seonghwa sure did when they were trainees. The thought made San smile softly.

He remembered one special day like it was yesterday. San had been feeling down for five days in a row and Seonghwa had approached him with nervous eyes, playing with his sweater cuffs. He was so shy and cute back then…

“Choi San-ssi.” Seonghwa had said, sitting beside him on the practice room’s floor.

San had opened one eye to look at him. He sighed and tried to sit in a better position, he needed to respect his elders afterall.

“Hey, hyung.”

Seonghwa had sent a tiny smile his way and San cocked his head. Seonghwa had been a trainee for a month by then, they were getting along just fine.

“Do you…?” Seonghwa had started and stopped to mumble something to himself. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m going to get ice cream, wanna come with me?” And on a second thought he added: “My treat.”

“Ice cream? Are we going to the supermarket?”

Seonghwa had shaken his head and looked at his nails. shrugging. “No, I was planning to go to the ice cream parlour. Do you-?”

“Yes!” San shouted, clutching Seonghwa’s hands. That was the first time San saw Seonghwa’s true beaming smile. And it was a thing of wonder.

Half an hour later, they were sitting on a bench, giggling like little children and trying to convince the other why the flavor they picked was superior.

“Your Rainbow Sherbet can’t change my mind, Park Seonghwa.”

“I’m not trying to.” Seonghwa retorted.

“I’m loyal to Mint Choco.” San stated and Seonghwa chuckled.

They had finished their ice cream in relative silence, making small talk here and there.

“Hey…” Seonghwa was getting shy again and San had bumped knees with him, making Seonghwa smile again. “What kind of movies do you like?”

San had gazed at Seonghwa with starry eyes and one long ass explanation and two tickets later they were throwing popcorn to one another and sharing a soda in the cinema.

“Fuck.” said San in front of Wooyoung’s room, with the notebook opened in one hand and combing his hair with the other while having a realisation crisis. He might be panicking a little. Maybe. Definitely.

Seonghwa has always been kind and attentive. How long has Seonghwa been in love with him?

“This is so messed up.”

“What is?” asked Jongho with the door to his bedroom wide open.

“Morning, Jjong.” greeted San, closing the notebook loudly. “Yunho and Hongjoong-hyung are trying to make breakfast.”

Jongho squinted his eyes and patted San on the shoulder. “You wake Wooyoung, I make sure there is no imminent fire.”

“Sounds good.”

Jongho rushed to the kitchen like the bravest maknae he was, while San, wondering how hard it was going to be finding the answer he was searching for, flopped down onto Wooyoung, scaring the shit out of him.


	3. Find his scent attractive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I don't have vertigo anymoreee * _happy dance_ *ヾ(^^ゞ)  
> I'm having so much fun writing this story! I'll try to keep the weekly updates. Thanks for all the love!

San was sitting on a sofa in the waiting room, about to have a snack with Wooyoung. They were already dressed and their makeup just needed a little retouch.  
That was going to be their last promo stage for Inception. They were wearing the pretty blue and black hanbok that San absolutely loved and they were finally getting a few days to rest, but San could only think about Seonghwa and his feelings for him. And his inexistent intentions of dating him.

San took a breath and puffed loudly. Wooyoung looked at him with suspicious eyes.

“You’ve been weird all day, what is it, Sannie?”

Wooyoung couldn’t find out the answer to that question because a staff member approached them with a camera in hand, making them drop the subject. For now. Wooyoung turned his attention to the food and San waved with his mouth full. They greeted the staff member and started talking.  
San knew the footage would appear later in a logbook, most likely. Still, he was thinking about Seonghwa and his reasons to not date him.

“Am I cute?” he asked Wooyoung out of the blue, almost looming over him. Wooyoung wanted to laugh but kept his lips sealed in an amused smile.

“You’re cute.”

San leaned back in his seat, convinced enough to smile proudly, and grabbed something to eat. After all, Wooyoung had good taste. If Seonghwa didn’t want him, it wasn’t because San wasn’t cute enough.

“Well, it’s not my fault I’m cute~”

Wooyoung heard San laugh and mentally noted to ask him later. Wooyoung was starting to get worried.

* * *

It had been a long and emotional day but it wasn’t that late. They wanted to celebrate the end of Inception promo, they still had some free time left to just do nothing and prepare before going out to have dinner.  
San ran out of the car with Yeosang right behind him. They made it to the elevator in record time and laughed at Jongho who arrived just as the doors were closing.

“I’ll get my revenge! You’ll see!” Jongho shouted with a fist in the air.

“Still worth it, I’m first to the shower, finally!” said San to Yeosang, giggling. And Yeosang was laughing too but he stopped and grabbed San’s shoulder with worry.

“He knows where I sleep.”

“You can always threaten him with kisses.” San provided.

Ten minutes later San screamed in a high pitched voice when the water suddenly ran cold in the shower. The evil laugh from Jongho could be heard in the entire dorm.

* * *

Someone knocked on Mingi’s door and he looked up from his book. It was San, freshly dressed and with his hair styled.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

Mingi crossed his legs and patted the bed in front of him, putting down the book on the bedside table. San sat on the bed, leaning his back on the wall.

“Good, what’s the occasion?” Mingi asked. San pouted moving his feet up and down.

“I just want to spend some time with my friend? Can’t I?”

“Is Seonghwa taking too long?” Was Mingi’s answer and San opened his mouth to object. “Oh, wait. Are you fighting with Wooyoung?” This time Mingi made a worried face.

“No, and no! I meant you!”

Mingi was totally serious and surprised, like this was the first notice he had about them being friends. San was getting obviously nervous, didn’t Mingi know how much he meant to San? Was San a bad friend? Just when San was about to tell Mingi how much he loved him, Mingi granted San a cunning smile.

“You’re a moron. I’m not sharing my ice-cream with you anymore.”

Mingi laughed some more, trying to apologise to San while his shoulders were shaking and his smile was so big that his cheeks hurt.

“No, but, really. If you’re fighting with Wooyoung you can stay here.”

“It’s not the case, but… maybe I’m avoiding him? He’s been staring at me all day like something is up.”

“Is it? Something up, I mean.” Mingi moved his feet, putting them under San’s leg. It was warm there.

“No?” San said and Mingi raised an eyebrow. “Maybe.” Mingi cocked his head “I don’t know.”

“You can tell me. We’re friends.” San rolled his eyes and grunted, putting his hand on Mingi’s smirking face. Mingi’s laugh was contagious and San found himself laughing with him.

“I’m not lying though, I’m confused. There’s this person…”

“Hmhmm.” Mingi raised his eyebrows three times and San laughed some more. “Go on, please.”

San was silent for a moment, feeling Mingi’s feet moving under him, coaxing him to talk.

“Mingi. How do you know if you’re in love?”

“That’s a good question.” Mingi crossed his arms, pressing his lips into a hard line. “I think… for me is the smell.”

“The smell?” repeated San, perplexed.

“Yeah, you know, like…” Mingi licked his lips, trying to put his feelings into words. “Like when you hug your mother and she smells like home? I don’t know, man. When I’m near someone I love, their smell makes my chest feel all warm.”

San squinted trying to imagine what Mingi was explaining.

He should be able to understand Mingi, San himself had a very sensitive nose! That’s why he was so picky with perfumes. And now that he was thinking about that, Seonghwa too. He rarely wore cologne. Seonghwa even avoided scented deodorants.  
But his shampoo smelled so sweet… San loved to back hug Seonghwa, even more if he was sitting, so San could put his nose on his soft hair and just breathe him in.

He was doing just that a few months ago when he noticed something strange, but not unpleasant at all.

“Hyung, did you change the fabric softener?” San had asked, intrigued about the new smell on Seonghwa.

It was Seonghwa’s birthday. He had just ended his vlive and San had been quick to hug him before he got up, congratulating him again.

“No…” Seonghwa had said, somehow getting shy. “It’s a birthday gift from our boss. _A fragrance for men_...”

Seonghwa and San had looked at each other for a moment. And then San just went in and pressed his nose in Seonghwa’s neck, making him screech in surprise.  
San had inhaled hard before looking up to the ceiling, holding the older tightly so he couldn’t escape from his arms. Seonghwa’s laughter had ringed in his ears. The sound was loud and sweet and San had loved it with all his heart.

“What do you think?” had asked Seonghwa, leaning back on San and rubbing the arms that were encasing him.

“Not bad. It suits you.” had been San’s opinion.

Seonghwa had worn the fragrance three times since then. And San smiled at every occasion, remembering that moment.  
But that didn’t clear up any doubts.

“Yeah… I think I get it. But, how do you know if you’re in love? How do you set apart friendly love or family love from romantic love?”

“Oh, in my case I’ll get all warm not only in my chest, but in other places too.”

There was a tiny moment when their eyes met, Mingi smiled cutely and San doubled over from the belly laugh.

“That’s not romantic at all!”

Mingi shrugged as Yunho appeared on the door. Hongjoong had sent him on a quest to retrieve the 99’s line. The managers were in the building, it was time for dinner!

San was teasing Jongho throughout the ride, making everyone laugh with their banter. Sadly, Seonghwa was in the other car. But that meant that San had a reason to search for him.

“Park Seonghwa!” San called and Seonghwa walked up to him.

“What is it?” asked Seonghwa, rubbing his hands with a coy little smile.

“Look what Jongho said to me!”

“You started it! Hyung!” Jongho retorted and San locked hands with Seonghwa, sticking his tongue out.

“San-ah… don’t be a brat, you are his hyung.” Seonghwa reminded him.

“And you’re mine.” San rebutted, dropping his weight against Seonghwa. “Please, spoil me.”

Seonghwa’s body tensed for a moment but relaxed when he let out a long sigh. Meanwhile, San was scenting Seonghwa, poking him with his nose here and there. Seonghwa patted San’s head and tried to move him to the restaurant.

“Always.” was Seonghwa’s answer and San smiled into his shoulder, finding comfort in that word and the familiar scent.

Maybe Seonghwa didn’t want to be his boyfriend, but he still loved him. Still being the key word. And being honest with himself, San was finding it hard to not be special anymore.


	4. Get lost in his eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry for the delay. My workload increased suddenly and I’m a freelancer so I had to take advantage of the strike of luck. The past months have been a little rough but I’m more relaxed now and I’ve been reading your comments (I’ll reply shortly!). Thank you all for the patience, inspiration and motivation. I will finish this work, don’t worry :3  
> I hope you enjoy it! And see you next time~

It wasn’t that late but after weeks of everyone getting up early San was finding it weird to have the dorm be so quiet in the morning. So he took the opportunity to have breakfast in peace for once.  
Minutes later he had a spoon full of cereal in one hand and was flicking through Hongjoong’s notebook with the other, hoping to maybe stumble upon some good information.

In just one day, San realised two things. One, Seonghwa’s decision was bothering him more than it should. And Two, San definitely didn’t want to stop being special for Seonghwa. He wanted the attention. He needed it.  
Maybe those shady articles were right. There was something about attention after all.

“You give them your full attention.” San re-read, sporting a pouty scowl. “No, that’s not it. It’s the other way around.” he mumbled.

Then, out of nowhere, a hand patted him hard on the shoulder and San almost jumped up to the ceiling.

“Hyung!”

“Jongho!” whisper-shouted San. “You were this close to give me a heart-attack!” San raised a hand, showing Jongho two very close fingers.

“Not my fault. I called you three times.” Jongho shrugged, looking unapologetic and just out of bed, if Jongho’s hair was taken into account. “You’re weird.”

“Wow, thank you.” San replied, getting up to clean his breakfast.

Jongho was rummaging through the kitchen pantry, but he stopped and looked at San, suddenly unsure.

“No, I mean… you were weird yesterday. Are you… angry with me?” Jongho started preparing his coffee but kept glancing at San. “I didn’t overdo it, right?”

San was drying his hands, trying to figure out what Jongho was talking about.

“You mean the cold water?” San chuckled “No, no. It was a good prank, you did let me finish my shower with hot water. All is good. I’m not angry with you.”

“But you kept teasing me in the car.” Jongho pouted.

The smell of coffee filled the room and San just went in for a hug. A really tight hug.

“Hyung! You are angry with me!” Jongho said, putting little to no effort in escaping from San’s arms.

“No, I just find you so cute!” San replied. But even if San was reckless most of the time, he didn’t wish for an early death, so he let go of Jongho seconds later and grabbed Hongjoong’s notebook from the table.

“What’s that?” asked Jongho, coffee in hand. “You were carrying it yesterday in the morning too.” Jongho took a sip from his coffee, raising his eyebrows.

“Just a notebook.” San replied looking at the poor battered thing in his hand.

Jongho hummed, almost hiding a knowing smile behind his cup of coffee. “I can see that, hyung. But why are you going around with one of Hongjoong-hyung’s notebooks?”

San blinked, holding the notebook to his chest. “Well, you see…”

Jongho’s smile changed into something big and sweet, beaming. “Are you trying to write a song? Is that it? I can help.”

“No, that’s not it.” San shook his head, opening the notebook and leafing through it. He stopped at Inception’s notes, frowning, and closed the notebook again. The phrase ‘How to fall in love’ was still dancing in his eyes, written in big bold red letters. “Hey, Jjong… you had a girlfriend in high school, right?”

Jongho squinted his eyes at the change of subject. “Yeah, why are you asking?”

“How did you know you were in love?” San’s voice was a soft whisper and Jongho glanced over at the notebook. He took another sip from his coffee, trying to figure out why San of all people was asking him about his love life.

Well, it couldn't hurt to share, right?

“I was always watching her.” Jongho started, sitting on a chair. “It didn’t matter what she was doing or what was going around us, she was the most interesting thing in the world to me.”

“That’s… easy.” San said it with wonder and Jongho chuckled at him.

“Love doesn’t have to be hard. Sometimes it is, but other times you just know.” Jongho shrugged, leaning back in his chair.

“How hard did you look at her?” San asked full of curiosity.

“I got a ball to the face while in practice because she was sitting on the floor nearby, just reading.” Jongho remembered, letting his chair fall back on its four legs again before having an accident. San let out a fond chuckle. “Twice or thrice.” And San laughter became louder. Jongho shrugged again.

“And you kept looking at her? You were a goner.”

“Very.” Jongho confessed. “She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the world, but she was it for me. And I have to say… you made me nervous at first, when I met you.”

“Me? Why?” San asked, he was too shy back then. What could he possibly have done to make Jongho nervous?

“You stared right at me too often. But that’s just how you are. You look everyone in the eye.”

San smiled and tilted his head, playing with the notebook still in his hands, trying to make it spin on two fingers.

“I just like to watch people doing things.” he tried to explain with his eyes on the twirling notebook “I wasn’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Yeah I noticed that… You’re not afraid of visual contact or any kind of contact, at all.” Jongho sighed and got up, gulping down what was left of his coffee in one go.

“Is that bad?” asked San, wrinkling his nose.

“No, it felt weird to me at first. But it’s just how you are, you don't mean anything by it.” replied Jongho, washing his cup.

San’s eyes were still on the notebook cover spinning on his fingers while his brain was running around in circles with Jongho’s words, trying to figure out if they were of any help.  
It was true that he looked at Seonghwa more than what was necessary but he did that with just anybody. San liked to follow Seonghwa around when he was cleaning, but he stayed in the kitchen with Wooyoung when he was cooking too.  
Maybe Jongho’s way to be in love didn’t apply to him at all and that was it. San needed to further his research about love and keep trying.

Jongho patted San’s shoulder and the notebook came to a halt and almost fell to the ground, but San caught it just in time.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Jongho informed and San followed him out of the kitchen and into the living room, making small talk about the weather and what they’re going to do with the free time they got to themselves.

“But you’re always playing that game! Don’t you want to try something new, hyung?” asked Jongho.

“You’re the one searching for new hobbies. I can give you some ideas, though.”

“What are you talking about? Can I help?” offered Seonghwa from the sofa, looking up from this phone.

Seonghwa’s hair was a mess and his eyes were puffy. He had a wrinkle in his right cheek, probably from the sheets and was wearing a short and colorful pyjama.  
He smiled at them and tensed every muscle on his body when a shiver ran through him. Seonghwa ended up yawning and shaking his head.

“Sorry.” Seonghwa said, with his hands between his own thighs, looking soft and homey.

“You don’t have to be sorry for yawning, hyung.” Jongho assured him, but started yawning too. “Oh my god, I need that shower five minutes ago.”

San laughed out loud with his eyes almost closed and his dimples showing, but when Seonghwa’s gaze found him, San changed his laugh to a happy grin. Seonghwa tilted his head and San just stared at him. Until he felt a tug on his t-shirt.

“I’m going. Later, hyungs!” said Jongho, running to the bathroom to take that much needed shower.

San nodded and Seonghwa said something but San didn’t catch it. He went up to Seonghwa, messing his hair a little more.

“Good morning, hyung. Did you have breakfast?”

“Not yet. I’m not that hungry.” Seonghwa said, closing his eyes and letting San pet his hair, grunting when San started to scratch him behind his ears.

“Come on, I’ll drag you to the kitchen if I have too.” San teased, and Seonghwa replied in no time.

“Sounds good.”

And after a last ruffle, San manhandled his hyung out of the sofa and into his arms, making all the noise in the world on their way to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, about to take a shower, Jongho debated with himself whether or not he should inform San that he had locked eyes with Seonghwa for about three minutes without noticing. That could be an awkward conversation.

“Hey, hyung!” he practiced in front of the mirror “You were staring at Seonghwa-hyung when he was just... existing!”

Yeah, not happening.


	5. Touch him shyly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * _peeks out from the side_ * |ω･)ﾉ tapun! I hope you all enjoy this 5 year old bff woosan antics. This chapter was so fun to write <3  
> Thank you all for the love! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)  
> Also, COMEBACK? WHAT? O^O

San’s smile was wide, dimples shining bright in the morning sun peeking through the curtains. He had been very satisfied with his morning up until now. He’d had two breakfasts, some friendly banter and just needed a shower to continue with his day in high spirits.  
San was very determined to find his answer in the shortest amount of time possible, that was why he wanted to tend to all his needs and relax. He wanted to be alone.  
But to the hand appearing behind him little did matter what San needed. The shadow just wanted to take him away from the corridor to a dark room. The fingers quickly grabbed San’s shirt, causing him to yelp, and yanked San through the door frame before closing the door with an ominous sound.

“The fuck are you doing? Wooyoung, my heart!” shouted San, with a hand on his own chest.

“Are you calling me your heart now? Do I have to change your pet name?” asked Wooyoung, pushing San until he fell on the nearest bed.

San pouted, crossing his arms.

“But I like Sanshine…” he said.

“I can call you Sannie-honey.” offered Wooyoung, tucking San’s hair behind his ear.

“Oh, that’s cute… hey! Don’t flirt with me!” San snapped, suddenly snatching a pillow from the bed and hitting Wooyoung with it. “You’re trying to distract me! I was going to… do things!”

“Ouh, hey!” yelled Wooyoung, pleading for mercy between high-pitched laughs.

San stopped the attack and got up on his feet just to be pushed on to the bed once more, now pinned by Wooyoung’s weight who was clearly getting comfortable and snuggling him.  
San sighed and patted Wooyoung’s head.

“Really, I have things to do, places to go…”

“You’re a liar but you’re cute.” Wooyoung replied, lifting his head and raising an eyebrow. “What’s up with you? You’re hiding something from me and I don’t like it.”

And San pouted again.

“Is that your answer?” asked Wooyoung.

San nodded, still pouting. And now it was Wooyoung’s turn to sigh. He added a roll of his eyes for good measure.

Wooyoung wiggled his way out of the bed, sitting on the floor and San followed him, sitting cross legged in front of Wooyoung.

“I’m serious, Sannie” he said, touching San’s knee with a gentle caress. “You know you can tell me anything. I’m worried.” Wooyoung licked his lips, looking unsure about something, but he said it anyway. “I know you don’t usually talk about whatever is eating you away, but I want to be there for you. So… if I can help…”

San shifted, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his knees. “I know.” He said, starting to feel some kind of remorse.

He actually talked about his doubts with almost everyone but his best friend. And Yeosang. But they were a package after all. San was acting out of character but his feelings were a mess and he didn’t feel like himself at all. Well, maybe it was time to involve his worst nightmare and best support all in one. Wooyoung was good with feelings, right?

San drew in a long breath and looked right into Wooyoung’s eyes.

“I’m not sure if I’m stubborn or in love.” San’s words spurted out of his mouth like a sudden spring on a mountain.

“You can be both.” Wooyoung replied immediately. “Wait, what? That doesn’t make any sense.”

San grunted, trying to hide his face but Wooyoung wasn’t having any of it.

“No, no… San, you can’t leave it at that! Come on!” he demanded, kicking San to get him to speak or at least react in some way. And he reacted, kicking him back.

Five minutes later they were laying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling panting and laughing after their little fight.

“You’re the worst.” San chuckled.

“You love me, what does that say about you?” asked Wooyoung, turning his head towards San.

San laughed some more, with a hand over his heart and his pyjamas all wrinkled. He looked very warm. So soft and at peace in that moment in Wooyoung’s eyes. It was the perfect time to ask.

“Who is it?”

San’s eyes narrowed and he sat up, trying to put some kind of order in his hair. He failed.

“Not you.” San said and Wooyoung whined, making him laugh again.

“You have such a bad taste…” Wooyoung rolled over to San bumping into his knee.

“I don’t know if I’m in love or if I’m mistaking things here. How do you know if you’re in love?” San shrugged looking hard at his feet and playing with the bottom hem of his pants. “Wooyoung-ah, have you ever been in love?”

When San looked at Wooyoung he was on his side, biting his lips with a lost gaze. “Wooyoung?”

“Yeah…” he mumbled then he cleared his throat and sat up beside San “Yes, I’ve been in love.”

“And how did you know? Did you just realise at some point?” San asked, tilting his head like a curious cat.

“More or less. I… you know I’m touchy.” Wooyoung stated and San nodded. “I just like the feeling. I like hugs and kisses and all that. I love to touch my friends but…”

“But?” prodded San.

“It feels different when I’m hugging the person I love.” confessed Wooyoung looking up and lifting his shoulders in a half shrug. “Sometimes I even get shy. Can you imagine?”

San snickered at Wooyoung’s words, meanwhile his thoughts were lost on all the memories of Seonghwa’s body pressed to him. All those times he casually put an arm around Seonghwa’s shoulders or just plain hugged him. He really liked to push Seonghwa’s head to his own chest or stomach and play with his hair. It was so soft...

“Yah! Are you trying to start a fight? I’m opening my heart to you!” Wooyoung shouted, getting San’s attention back.

San tried to appease Wooyoung with a hug that ended with the two of them apologizing and laughing again.

“No, I can’t picture you getting too shy, really.”

“I can be! Touching the person I’m in love with is… it feels like a big deal sometimes. I want it so much and when we’re alone it feels intimate. Sometimes I think that he’s going to find out and I panic.” tried to explain Wooyoung. “Other times it’s just nice and warm and friendly, it depends on the situation. Does it make sense?”

It… kind of made sense. And San tried to recollect some time when touching Seonghwa felt more than friendship. Nope, nothing came to his mind, but he was able to recall one time that it felt awkward at first.  
They were sharing a room and there was only one bed. It wasn’t even the first time they were sleeping together but for some unknown reason San had been feeling restless.  
He didn’t want to change into his pyjamas and lay in bed but he was tired enough that he just fell asleep seconds after closing his eyes.

“Hey, hey! San-ah.” called someone shaking his shoulder. “You need to go to bed. Come on.”

San whined and that person sighed in relief when San opened his eyes.

“Hyung?” asked San rubbing his eyes and almost all his face.

“Come on, Sannie. It’s late and you need to rest.” Seonghwa was trying to get him to sit up on the sofa but San just curled up some more.

“Don’t wanna.” he declared, pouting. And he knew he was behaving like a five year old, but he didn’t care that much. He just didn’t want to sleep with Seonghwa again, he was feeling shy and reluctant. “I’m gonna stay. You go to bed.”

“Wooyoung is sleeping here and he’s going to come back soon.” explained Seonghwa. San just pouted some more.

“I don’t mind.”

Seonghwa looked hesitant but he smiled that little smile, the one that didn’t reach his eyes.

“This is too narrow, do you want to sleep with Wooyoung on the bed? I’ll sleep here.”

And for a moment San thought that it was a good idea. But something in his chest hurt watching how Seonghwa’s brows were drawing together slowly.

“No, it’s ok. I’m going. Just… give me a minute.”

Seonghwa rewarded his decision with a beautiful smile and San sighed, turning Seonghwa’s face away with a playful push.

“Hey! If you’re gonna sleep here I’m taking your bed!” Wooyoung shouted, and San never ran so fast in his life.

Fifteen minutes later, Seonghwa and San were on the bed, not touching and looking at the ceiling lamp. It was so pretty. Like Seonghwa’s smile. That man was so pretty.  
San turned his head around to see Seonghwa’s profile set off by the dim light against the dark. Seonghwa opened his eyes.

“You can’t sleep.” he whispered. Seonghwa moved his hand until his fingers met with San’s “What are you thinking about so hard?”

“You’re pretty.” San mumbled without thinking and Seonghwa turned his face to San, watching him with wide eyes. “I was thinking that your smile is pretty.”

Seonghwa bit his lips, but he couldn’t stop his smile from growing.

“You have such a bad taste…” replied Seonghwa with a chuckle.

But after that they fell asleep holding hands and the morning found them holding each other in a pile of limbs.  
Zero shame, no shyness or whatsoever.

“Hello? Earth to San!” Wooyoung was waving his hand in front of San’s face and he blinked twice before coming back to his senses.

“Hey, what?”

“Where were you? What were you thinking? You were gone for a minute.” Wooyoung changed his face from worried to a shit eating grin. “What did you mean with in love or stubborn?”

San smiled and shrugged, pushing his hair back.

“What did you mean he's going to find out?”

San returned Wooyoung's grin. Yeah, well. He was having a productive morning after all.


	6. Try to make him happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter and we're done! It was fun to write about woosansang bff <3 
> 
> You can find me on twitter as @Marstiny8

“What’s going on?”

Neither of them had heard the door opening, but Yeosang was standing there, knob in hand and a suspicious look on his pretty face.

“Do I even want to know?” he wondered.

Wooyoung was quick to put a hand over San’s mouth and whisper-yelled: “San’s trying to figure… Ouh, you’re disgusting!” he hissed when San licked him, rubbing his now wet hand on San’s cheek. “Here, you can have your fluids back.”

And San just smirked happily. “He was telling me all about his crush.”

Yeosang raised his eyebrows and blinked confused while Wooyoung started to hit San on the arm. He closed the door behind him with an amused smile on his lips.

“I see… So you are talking about the one that must not be named.” teased Yeosang.

“Wait, you knew?” asked San, looking astonished from Wooyoung to Yeosang and back. “Since when?”

“I don’t have a crush on Yunho anymore! God damn it, Yeosang!”

“Yunho??”

“Not anymore!” Wooyoung was quick to reply. “And in my defense I have to say… haven't we all have had a crush on Yunho at some point?”

The silence that took over the room was enough of an answer for everyone.

“I didn’t? But I can see why. He’s very crushable.” San mumbled confused, mainly because of the sudden relief he was feeling out of nowhere. So Wooyoung had a crush on Yunho.

Yeosang sighed and joined them on the floor, sitting next to San.

“You keep saying that, but you get all shy when he gives you attention.” Yeosang hummed, grabbing his own chin with a grin on his lips.

“Do you?” San asked and Wooyoung started complaining about what little compassion their friends had with him.

“Anyway, San wants to know if he’s in love or not.” Wooyoung said to redirect attention away from his love life and into San’s. “What was that about being stubborn?”

San tried to ask about Yunho again, but as bad luck would have it, Yeosang was very interested in this new gossip.

“Oooh, who is it?” his teasing voice was low and velvety.

“No one, I don’t know for sure.” San was trying to get away from Yeosang, who was leaning into San’s space, when he bumped into Wooyoung’s chest.

“It’s not Yunho. He said that.” remembered Wooyoung, enclosing San with his arms, holding him in place. “Don’t worry, San. If it’s me, I’ll help you get over it. I’ll be the nastiest and...”

“You’re already pretty nasty!”

“And you keep coming back!”

“Guys.” interrupted Yeosang. “You’re cute, but we were talking about San’s crush.”

“It could be me!” Wooyoung retorted and Yeosang looked at him unimpressed.

“Right.” And completely ignoring Wooyoung, Yeosang fixed his gaze on San. “Who is this person? I thought you were already... going out with someone.”

“Wait, what? You’re what again?” Wooyoung tried to turn San to watch his face and San was so surprised that he didn’t try to fight him.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about.” San’s eyes were big and he was sporting a very cute pout. On the other hand, Yeosang was looking very suspicious.

“Yeah, you know… him.”

“You’re dating a him and never thought to tell me you’re at least a little gay?” demanded Wooyoung, shaking San.

“You need to have your eyes checked. I think you’re going blind.” Yeosang snorted.

“Why do I love you?” asked Wooyoung, very calmly.

“I don’t know. I’m nasty to you, but you keep coming back.” stated Yeosang, tilting his head to look as innocent as he could.

San’s laugh was loud and contagious and Yeosang joined him. Meanwhile, Wooyoung was too busy rolling his eyes, but he too ended up laughing with them.

“I saw what you did there… you, tease.”

San turned around, getting comfortable against Wooyoung and stretching his legs over Yeosang. Yeah, this was more like it.

“So, Yeosang.” tried San, now that they were more at ease. “How do you know if you’re in love.”

“You want to make them happy.” replied Yeosang rearranging San’s legs on his lap. “You want them to be healthy and you want the best for them.”

“That’s true, but don’t you want that for your close friends too? And your family.” countered Wooyoung, poking San’s head with his nose.

Yeosang took a moment to put his thoughts in order.

“It’s different. The things I would do for the one I love… I. I think that you need to put yourself first, always. As far as you’re not hurting anyone, you need to take care of yourself first.” Yeosang was looking at San’s feet, wondering why his socks were unmatched. He sighed and raised his head, looking directly into San’s eyes. “But then I surprise myself putting someone’s best interests ahead of my selfish wishes.”

San was looking back at Yeosang, but at that moment he wasn’t really watching him. He was trying to figure out if he had a moment like that with Seonghwa. The problem was him being the self-sacrificing fool he was, of course there had to be a memory or two like that.  
There were the little things, like giving Seonghwa his last potato chip or changing seats. On more than one occasion he had changed his schedule for him or stayed up late with him to watch movies or dramas instead of playing games. And then there was this time when San put his own crisis aside because Seonghwa looked sad and he wanted to comfort his hyung.  
But he did all that for everyone in his dorm. For every close friend. For his family. Everyone that was dear to him.

San didn’t know what kind of face he was making but Yeosang’s smile was tight and gloomy.

“That’s deep.” muttered Wooyoung before talking in a chirpy voice. “Look at you! Congratulations! You have a heart!”

San laughed again and Yeosang tried to tickle his feet in retaliation.

“Hey! I haven’t said a word!”

“You’re laughing, stop siding with him.” pouted Yeosang. “And you, I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

Yeosang’s pout faltered for a moment but was replaced with a fond smile in no time.

“No, I don’t. I love you, stop using it against me.”

“Never.” Wooyoung replied with a happy grin and patted San on the chest loudly. “So, San… What was that about you going out with a guy?”

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know! Ask him!”

Yeosang squinted his eyes, tickling San’s feet some more.

“Really? You want me to say it out loud? With him here?”

“Hey! What does that mean?” whined Wooyoung while San shrugged. He had nothing to hide. Yeosang was mistaken for sure.

“Why not? Go ahead.”

Yeosang licked his lips, unsure of how to put it. Wooyoung was starting to feel anxious, moving his leg up and down.

“Ok, so… I thought you were going out with him since… March or so? I felt like something changed between you two then. I’m talking about Seonghwa-hyung.”

“Seonghwa?” Wooyoung asked dumbfounded enough to let San go as he scrambled to sit upright.

“Why would you think that?” San demanded.

“You do couple-ish things.” Yeosang was trying hard to recall something more specific. “I don’t know, San. The way you lean into each other. Your eyes go soft whenever he’s in the room. Lately you’re having more alone time with him. I was sure you two were dating.”

“No, we’re not. My eyes do what again?”

“Are you sure you’re not dating?” insisted Yeosang. “Maybe you are but he didn’t tell you.”

“He confessed to me two fucking days ago, Yeosang.”

“Seonghwa!?” this time, Wooyoung’s voice went to that high place he reached when he was freaking out.

“Oh. I see.” Yeosang nodded to himself, raising a hand to his mouth. “That’s why you’re trying to figure out if you love him or not.” And Yeosang nodded again, patting San’s legs. “Go, you need to give him an answer.”

San got up slowly, with Wooyoung looking from Yeosang to San and yelling what, how and why without really knowing what he was asking for.

“He said he doesn’t want an answer.” San said, fixing his pyjamas.

“Maybe he doesn’t want an answer, but I think you two need one."

“Hey, don’t go!” Wooyoung demanded. He crawled to San and started to pull his pants.

“Let him go.” Yeosang asked with a soft voice “He has a lot to think about and we need to talk.”

“We do?”

And with Wooyoung effectively distracted, San waved goodbye and went to the damn bathroom to take his long forgotten shower, this time with hot water.


End file.
